420

don't care anymore

"Blood and souls for my dark Lord!"

(no subject)
420
xxthejoexx
Well she's walking through the clouds
With a circus mind thats running 'round
Butterflies and zebras
And moonbeams and fairy tales
That's all she ever thinks about
Riding with the wind.

When I'm sad, she comes to me
With a thousand smiles, she gives to me free
It's alright, she says, it's alright
Take anything you want from me, anything

Anything.

Fly on little wing,
Yeah yeah, yeah, little wing

"Love, love is a verb. Love is a doing word, fearless on my breath.""
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xxthejoexx
I know I've commented before on how it only seems like I write in this journal when nothing good is going on: when I'm depressed, or sad, or angry, or a combination of all of those. Well, it's obviously true, 'cause here I am writing in it.

Nothing bad is going on, per se, I've just been really depressed the last week or so. The depression stems from a feeling of loneliness. I'm the kind of person that needs someone to be around. I need someone that I can laugh with, that I can hold and hug and kiss, that I can just lay with on the bed or the couch and watch tv or a movie. I need someone that I can hold in my arms as we fall asleep at night.

I haven't had that for a while, and I miss it. Really, really bad.

Since Autumn and I split up, I've had a couple of prospects; obviously none of which worked out. Two of them bailed on me before we ever even had a chance to go out. One I broke up with after a week because she had gotten too clingy, plus there was a lot of family drama, and I had put up with enough of that with Autumn's family for almost three years, and didn't need any more of it right now. Another one kind of broke off before anything really serious could develop because of something that happened with the one before that....

Some people that read this will already know about this, and some of you won't: Come May 12th (approximately) I may be a father. Yes, that's right. An ex-girlfriend that I was with briefly is pregnant. I don't say for sure that I *will* be a father because of the circumstances. The estimated date of conception is right at the first time or two we were "together." A week later, on the day I broke up with her, she was with another guy. Honestly, I think that it's mine. It's just this feeling I have. But, because this other guy was involved in such a relatively close time span, there casts that little shadow of a doubt in there.

My previous journal entry kind of cast a little hint about this; those are the names of the child, depending on whether or not it's a boy or a girl.

And in case anyone is wondering, if I am the father, yes, I will be involved in the baby's life. For obvious reasons I won't be around all the time, but I will be around as much as I can, and make sure that the baby knows who his/her father is, and that they are there for them and care about them.

Sometimes I just wish that I hadn't fallen prey to such irresponsibility. Everything happens for a reason, though: both the good and the bad. All we can do is just accept what life throws at us and make the best of every situation.

Alright, enough about that . . .

I've been back living with my dad for a number of months now, and just today did I put (most of) my books back up onto the built-in bookshelves. It's kind of weird; it's like, now I have finally admitted to myself that I will probably be here for a while. Or at least I'll be here until I find someone to move in with, whenever that may be, be it a roommate or a significant other. I can't afford to live on my own right now. The other day I figured out all of my bills that are due before I get paid again, and it was about $750. Well, I guess technically I might be able to afford to live on my own, but I'd be so fucking poor all the time it wouldn't be worth it. And it's not like I'm living here for free; I pay my dad $250 a month. So, if I found someone to live with and share rent with, it'd be okay I guess.

Anyone need a roommate?? =)

I've also been trying to get back into writing more again. I've got all these ideas, TONS of them, but I just can never seem to find the motivation to do anything with them. When I do have any free time, I find myself instead indulging in some less-than-savory vices and wasting away my time watching seasons of tv shows, be it "24" or "Smallville," or playing World of Warcraft. Playing WoW wouldn't be so bad, really . . . just lately I have been getting bored with it. I've got a lvl 56 paladin and I'm starting to work on the end-game stuff, so it's getting a little more interesting. For instance, today I got attuned for Molten Core and started the Windsor chain up to the point that I have to go into BRD and talk to him for the first time. LOL, I guess Tammy's really the only one that reads this that will probably have any idea what I'm talking about, but oh well.

Perhaps this is related to my current emotional troubles, but I've stopped eating. Well, not entirely, but I definately don't eat as much as I should. For example: on a typical work day (when I work in the morning) I'll eat some cheese and have a pepsi on my first break, which is usually between 10 and 11, depending on the day. Then I don't eat again until about 6pm when I find something to eat for dinner, usually just a cup-o-noodles or two hot pockets. The next day I just rinse and repeat. Note that breakfast is not mentioned in there . . .

Yesterday all I ate was like two small leftover pieces of pizza that my mom had in her fridge, and so far today all I've eaten was part of a small Tombstone pizza that my dad made at like 10:30.

On the plus side, I have been losing some weight, so that's always good. I guess. . .

That's all for now I guess, don't really feel like "talking" about anything else right now.

(no subject)
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xxthejoexx
only one person who reads this will know the significance of these names.

boy: Braiden Alexander
girl: Breanna Nicole

(no subject)
420
xxthejoexx
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on ...
Aaaaaaahh!

I have screamed until my veins collapsed
I've waited as my time's elapsed
Now all I do is live with so much fate
I've wished for this, I've bitched at that
I've left behind this little fact:
You cannot kill what you did not create
I've gotta say what I've gotta say
And then I swear I'll go away
But I cannot promise you'll enjoy the noise
I'll guess I'll save the best for last
My future seems like one big past
You're left with me 'cause you left me no choice

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

Put me back together
Or separate the skin from bone
Leave me all the pieces then you can leave me alone
Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

All I've got....all I've got is insane
All I've got....all I've got is insane
All I've got....all I've got is insane
All I've got....all I've got is insane

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus, it never ends, it works its way inside
If the pain goes on
I'm not gonna make it!

(no subject)
420
xxthejoexx
oh yeah, and these last couple of days i've actually been what I would call "happy." It's a very welcome (and needed) change after the depression I've been wallowing in these last six weeks or so. I've been talking to a lot of new people, and most of them have been really cool, so that's always a plus.

I opened up the lines of communication with Tim again after over a year-long absence. I think we're gonna get together at Zips sometime (hopefully) soon and start this ball of friendship rolling again. I'm really excited about it; he was my best friend for like seven years, and I'm not even sure what it was that caused us to stop talking. I do know however that it's stupid, and it would be even more stupid to continue going on with the rest of my life without Tim as my friend after all we've been through together.

Hopefully we'll be able to get this thing back on track and start hangin' out again.

I feel like a new chapter of my life is beginning, and I look forward to ushering it in with both the new friends I've made and the old ones I've reunited with after too long a time being apart.

FF
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xxthejoexx
I've really been getting into the Foo Fighters. They've always had some songs that I've liked (Everlong, Best of You, Monkey Wrench, My Hero, Times Like These). When I went and saw them and met them in Portland I wouldn't have said I was really a *fan* of theirs. Actually meeting them though and seeing how down-to-earth they really are kinda turned that around though.

So yeah, right now I'm just rockin' out to the Foo and enjoying every minute of it.

man
dark anakin
xxthejoexx
I just don't get women.

There must be something about me that makes them change their minds after we make plans to hang out.

Maybe it's because I'm too nice of a guy? I don't know.

Perhaps I should try the "I-Don't-Give-A-Shit Asshole" approach. Couldn't possibly be any worse than what I'm apparently doing now.

(no subject)
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xxthejoexx
"I'm like a chia pet of comedy, except you water me with marijauna."

SinFest
420
xxthejoexx
Welcome to the Bank of the Holy Cross. Would you like to render all thy earnings unto God? Or be a selfish, materialistic, greedy atheist whore of commerce?

tequila? not so much
420
xxthejoexx
Well, tequila night didn't go exactly as planned. Beren and I each got a bottle of Tarantula Azul. We had both heard really good things about it. It was a lie. I couldn't hardly drink any of it, it was WAY harsh. Even moreso than the cheap stuff I've had in the past.

All in all though, it was a good night and I had fun hangin' out with everyone.

?

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